"I'm going to take skin off my nads and put it on my nose."
If I told you once, I told you a million times: Michael Jackson’s frail, little body can’t handle doing 50 concert dates in London, England this summer. Actually, I think I told you that twice, but now the King of Poop is finally admitting it.
After practicing his moonwalk and his crotch grabs at a Burbank studio, the 50-year-old Jacko told his fans: “I don’t know how I’m going to do 50 shows. I’m not a big eater - I need to put some weight on. I’m really angry with them booking me up to do 50 shows. I only wanted to do 10, and take the tour around the world to other cities, not 50 in one place. I went to bed knowing I sold 10 dates, and woke up to the news I was booked to do 50.”
So, what can this guy handle? He obviously can’t handle the Rodeo Burger if he lives on two grapes a day. There are going to be some major lawsuits and many pissed off fans when Jackson collapses on stage after the second concert of the “tour.”
Oh, boy. Why is it that everytime an actor or actress say something that isn’t written for them they come off looking like an idiot?
Megan Fox, who is more famous for being in magazines like Maxim, etc. than for her acting, told the blokes at British GQ: “When you think about it, we actors are kind of like prostitutes. We get paid to feign attraction and love. Other people are paying to watch us kiss someone, doing things people in a normal monogamous relationship would never do with anyone who’s not their partner. It’s really kind of gross.”
Let me tell you, I don’t pay to see a movie to watch people kiss. In fact, I think kissing and fornication scenes should be banned from movies. I hate when they make those gross kissing sounds. It’s disturbing.
Tom Sizemore checked into a TV show on Friday after being arrested Thursday for an outstanding warrant. That’s right, he checked into the third season of VH1’s Celebrity Rehab with the world’s most famous addiction specialist, Dr. Drew. What is he going to do when his priapism swells up? Hump the furniture?
His fellow castmate (not his fellow patient) is his ex-girlfriend Heidi Fleiss whom he was arrested for assaulting in 2003. Heidi wasn’t too happy about the whole situation when Mr. Sizemore showed up and she refused to come out of her room.
I hope there is a whole bunch of new “contestants” on the new Celebrity Rehab. I’m bored of Steven Adler and that Shifty guy.
During a radio interview with Massachusetts station 94.7 WMAS, Candy Spelling opened her piehole and accused her daughter, Tori, of killing Aaron Spelling.
She said that Tori stopped talking to the family and wanted nothing to do with them for “oh, gosh, four or five years.” Then she dropped the bomb and said: “It was sad because that’s what killed my husband actually. He just didn’t want to live after that. You know, he had done everything … he could possibly do for his daughter and she wanted no part of him once he couldn’t do anything for her.”
That’s not what killed him, Randy Candy, what killed him was his old age. He was a billion if he was a day. In fact, he’s so old his first job was giving pedicures to dinosaurs.
"I told Julian I don't care if his dad is John, he can't have any money."
The woman who is responsible for breaking up the Beatles, Yoko (I look like Bono) Ono is set to launch an assault on the world with her face and voice once again. Yoko will be releasing a new album called My Head and the Sky and it’s set to go on sale in America this September. Fortunately, it will be like a firecracker going off in the woods and nobody will have to hear it. Unless, of course, you’re a glutton for punishment and you want to hear it.
Yoko is claiming that her new album will feature a star-studded cast, but I beg to differ. Contributors on the album include her son Sean Lennon, some guy named Cornelius, and Yuka Honda from Cibo Matto. If that’s a star-studded cast, my name is Burt Reynolds.
During a recent photo shoot for Elle Magazine, Britney Spears had a little accident. Apparently Britney’s father hasn’t had the whole “you’re a woman now” talk with his daughter yet.
A witness to the life-altering incident told the New York Post about Britney and her underwear blood. “They dressed her in all these beautiful couture clothes — and, well, let’s just say she forgot what time of month it was. It wasn’t pretty.”
No, it never is… it never is. But, why would they be putting couture clothes on Mrs. Federline in the first place? That’s like putting eyeliner on a mudskipper.
The 48-year-old Susan Boyle (who is famous for singing on Britain’s Got Talent) started shouting expletives at some hecklers in the lobby of North Wembley’s London Plaza Hotel.
According to the Sun, the Scottish menace started yelled: “How f-ing dare you… you can’t f-ing talk to me like that… is there a problem? … of course there’s a f-ing problem.” Such language. I wonder if she kisses her boyfriend with that mouth. Oh, wait…
The hecklers were probably saying things like: “Have you been kissed or not? I’ve got something you can kiss right here.” Or maybe they were saying: “I’ve seen better heads on boils. Get it? ‘Boyle, boil.’” Those Brits are quite clever with their insults.
Kate Moss will be writing a novel with the help of a ghost writer, according to the Sun. So, that means that Moss won’t really be writing a novel, she’ll just be relating some ideas and information to somebody else and they will be writing the novel.
Kate has enlisted the help of a former indie band singer (Louise Wener) turned novelist for her book about, you guessed it, a young girl who is plucked from obscurity and thrust into the spotlight as a big-time model.
A source who knows Kate a little bit more than you do said: “Kate has been considering how she will occupy her time when the modelling work finally dries up. Writing a novel is something she has considered before. With the help of a ghost writer like Louise, she is convinced she could come up with a commercially successful product that could become a great money-spinner. She knows the modelling world inside out and all the scandal behind the scenes.”
Is she going to talk about foreign-born models who are rented out as high-class prostitutes to the super rich? Is she going to talk about snorting coke and being on the front page of tabloids with a rolled up ten-bob note up her nose?
On Thursday morning Kevin Bacon kicked off his Sunday shoes when a man grabbed his Blackberry from him at a New York City subway station and took off running. Kevin chased after the dude, but he lost sight of him in the crowd and the thief got away.
I sure hope Kevin has insurance for that Blackberry. Mr. Bacon is used to people stealing from him and he’s probably getting upset about it. The Ponzi-schemer extraordinaire, Bernie Madoff, took Mr. Bacon Bits and his wife, Kyra Sedgwick, for millions of dollars. Actors are generally regarded as being the smartest people in the world (just ask them) so it was hard to believe that he was able to fool the couple.
Kenny Loggins could not be reached for comment. It is unknown whether or not Kenny owns a Blackberry.
If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all. Contact info: MIKE(at)fameofshame.com. Stay updated by subscribing to the RSS feed. Kiss my grits.
Oh, boy. Why is it that everytime an actor or actress say something that isn’t written for them they come off looking like an idiot?
